led zeppelin / blergh
led zeppelin
my favorite led zeppelin song of the day is achilles last stand
blergh
tomorrow i’m supposed to go to K&K’s house. they bought a house in the city they said they’d never live in, and now they have a baby and 2 cars and K is a doctor & K is a therapist & they simply won’t wear masks in front of their baby b/c they believe it will hamper his language & social development (and they also seemed to be very vigilant to the fact he may be autistic given who the sperm donor is and god forbid your baby is neurodivergent, god forbid his language & social development is delayed, but if he catches covid a bunch of times & gets lung & brain & immune damage, well that’s just not worth any concern at all) & when i first started learning about covid & was concerned & alarmed & having my world turned up side down & i tried to talk to her about it, she called me mentally ill & accused me of using tiktok too much & said i sounded like a q-anon person.
so anyway yeah i’m still pretty bitter about all that. and actually that argument was just under a year ago and boy how the time flies a bet the baby is going to be huge. i bet he will be able to converse. k invited me to come hang out in their back yard, see their new house, & we were going to do it last week but then i got a cold and didn’t want to come over sick and we wre going to do yesterday but then she texted and said she got called in to the hospital b/c she’s ‘on jeapordy’ (the work schedules of hospital workers is are totally & utterly inscrutable to me) and so now it’s tomorrow.
and it’s weird b/c it’s not just the covid, it’s b/c i came out as trans and k was the first person i came out to & i bared my fucking soul to her & told her that one of the main reasons i know i’m trans is b/c i’m attracted to men but in a gay way, as a man would be (and i used to want to kill myself over these feelings, like this isn’t some flight of fancy) and she said i should take a good long hard look at myself and consider why i can’t just be with men as a woman? and she said don’t do anything in a hurry. don’t rush into it.
well i mean k is like a de-transitioner and self-described as a terf so what the fuck did i expect. but she was my best friend and i thought maybe she would understand b/c of her experiences.
i’m gonna go to their house & they’re gonna ask me “how have you been lately?” and what is there to say except ... honestly pretty fucking bad right now. my back hurts and my knee hurts and my elbow hurts b/c i tore my annular ligament i’m pretty sure (恥ずかしいことにオナっている時に起こったのだ) and i get lightheaded and have to lean against the wall when i stand up too fast and if i walk faster than an amble or longer than 15 minutes then i have to lay on the floor. my job is stressful & overwhelming & my energy is already limited b/c i have an autoimmune disease & i’m supposed to start immunosuppresants in the MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC THAT EVERYONE IS PRETENDING IS NOT HAPPENING and it’ll be even more pivotal that i DON’T catch it again & meanwhile there’s a worm-brained maniac who wants to ban vaccines & anti-depressants & put autistic people in work camps & i want to go on HRT but i don’t want to get my name put on a list because who knows how long it’s going to take before the neo-gestapo start putting queer people on their list of people to kidnap and end to dungeons in foreign countries. i’m asking myself if i need to pack a go bag when i don’t even have the wherewithal to wash the dishes. and at the same time i feel like i finally know myself, it took me 30 years to get here, but i feel like i have every piece of the puzzle of why my brain is so fucked up and that’s not to say that all my problems are solved now but at least i have identified them finally. when i was 14 i wanted to kill myself because my Body Was Wrong, i knew it then, and then i forgot, and now i remember, and i want to do something about it. i need to do something about it.
it feels like every minute spent in my current body is wasted, and every minute i don’t spend trying to make it how it’s supposed to be is one less minute that i will get to spend with my body once it’s right.
i know nothing is really that simple, but that’s how it feels.